150: Transforming Difficult Kids

Transcript of Episode 150: Transforming Difficult Kids

With Dr. Daniel Pompa, Meredith Dykstra, and Dr. Howard Glasser

Meredith:
Hello, everyone, and welcome to Cellular Healing TV. I’m your host, Meredith Dykstra, and this is Episode number 150. We have our resident cellular healing specialist, Dr. Daniel Pompa, on the line, and today we welcome special guest, Dr. Howie Glasser. We’re super excited to have Dr. Glasser on the show. We have a really exciting topic today. Before we jump into the subject matter, let me tell you a little bit more about Dr. Howie.

Howard Glasser is the founder of The Children’s Success Foundation and creator of the Nurtured Heart Approach which has been used in hundreds of thousands of homes and classrooms around the world. He’s the author of Transforming the Difficult Child, currently the top-selling book on the topic of ADHD and otherwise challenging children; The Inner Wealth Initiative, one of the leading books on school interventions; You Are Oprah—I love that title—Igniting the Fire of Greatness, a book that outlines ways to apply the Nurtured Heart Approach to oneself; and All Children Flourishing, a book that describes the approaches use with all children, difficult or not. Four of his eight books are in the top one percent of all books on Amazon.com. Howard has been featured as a guest on CNN and as a consultant for 48 Hours. He currently teaches the Nurtured Heart Approach through live presentations worldwide. He has consulted for numerous psychiatric, judicial, and educational programs.

Although he has done extensive doctoral work in the fields of Clinical Psychology and Educational Leadership, he feels his own years as a difficult child contributed to most of his understanding of the needs of challenging children and to the success of his approach which is based on aligning the energies of relationship. Howard has been called one of the most influential living persons working to prevent children from relying on psychiatric medications. He works also to support many children in developing the inner strength to resist addictive substances. Awesome, amazing bio and welcome, Dr. Glasser, to Cellular Healing TV.

Dr. Glasser:
Thank you, Meredith.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. Hey, doc, listen. I have to credit my wife for you being here for today because she read an article that you had out there somewhere. She started reading it to me about ADHD children, and how they’re put on all these unnecessary medications. That’s been a heart of ours. I was a dyslexic kid who, no doubt, would’ve been medicated for some reason. Two of my children are absolutely ADD, including my wife, so you can imagine our house, as well as my son, Simon, who is ADD, dyslexic, OCD. He always jokes, and says, “Just go ahead and just give me one more label, and watch what I can do with that too.”

Dr. Glasser:
That’s when you have a fun household.

Dr. Pompa:
Oh, it’s a fun household.

Dr. Glasser:
It must be [to 20].

Dr. Pompa:
I say I’m going to write the book on how to live with ADD humans. Okay? She started reading me things that you had wrote, and my heart is so on the subject of just drugging children. I always say there’s a time and a place for a medication. I don’t know the percentage, but I would say, by far, the majority of these medications that they’re drugging children with are not just unnecessary but massively dangerous. I see the effects. What I do and we do on this show day in, day out.

Matter of fact, I’ll take it even a step further. I believe that, most ADD children, it’s simply their personality. They’re brilliant. I was this child who couldn’t read until sixth grade, and I had to work my way around who I thought I was, my insecurities that developed through it. Only to realize, oh, my gosh, there’s a brain in here that not only works but has a brilliance behind it. My son, Simon, absolutely had to go through the same thing. You and I actually discussed it on the phone. You said try this next time, and I had just read the introduction to this wonderful book. Now I’ve read the whole book. After you gave me those suggestions, I read this book. My son is already a different person.

With that said, our viewers are going to say, okay, what did you do? I’m telling you it worked in the matter of a day or two. I’m not kidding. My wife saw the difference, everybody in the house. The brothers and sisters saw the difference. What does this have to do with health on cellular healing? What you talk about in this book is transferring energy from the heart of a parent to the heart of the child. That energy transfer, I can tell you that I always thought I was feeding energy in the correct place. I am a teacher. I am that person who inspires, and every time he misbehaved, I used that, doc, as my platform to lecture him.

What you taught me was I was feeding the negative fire. I was giving him hundred dollar bills to basically misbehave, if you will, or create more conflict in the house. You showed me how to switch that energy, so thank you at the top of the show. Let’s tell our viewers this is the heart of the health of our children. I’m telling you it’s perhaps one of the most important shows we did all year. I mean that. I saw what it did to my children, and I see what’s happening in schools. This is a sick generation, and emotional sickness is part of it. All right, doc, with that said, what is this energy transfer?

Dr. Glasser:
Listening to you speak it in real time with such magnitude in your voice is exciting to me. I can actually feel the connection between you and your son. Maybe the words that I wanted to say as you were saying that are in relation to your audience, in relation to your work on cellular healing, is there is a cellular magnetism that gets upside down. That inadvertently, by way of a loving parent and a child who’s desiring, deeply desiring, craving that loving connection and just merely watching us at the level—as my friend who teaches in—Anne Marie Chiasson, who teaches at Dr. Weil’s program, says that at the level of—reality at the level of energy. Kids are reading energy like Braille. When something goes awry, we say we’re busy. We are busy, but we’re never too busy for a problem.

When we show up, we’re showing up with our full throttle desire to teach a lesson, to right the ship, to help this child come to see the light. We’re merely speaking our truth to that child, and we’re giving the gift of us, the energetic, magnetic, compelling gift of us, simply at the wrong moment in time. We’re choosing to give the gift when things are going wrong as opposed to very meticulously limiting the gift when things are going wrong. Having a way out, having a way of saying, oops, broke a rule, consequence. Oops, your foot’s on the line, reset but then very meticulously choosing to give the gift of us when things are going right. It’s like save your soul for the good stuff. Save your soul is something I—a mystical statement I never really grew up with or understood, but I heard it in my—as background music in my neighborhood. We need to save our soul for the good stuff. Don’t give it away.

Dr. Pompa:   
You have turned entire schools around. The schools that are using this principal literally have credited you to completely turning the whole ship, which is -inaudible-. I watched it work within days. Matter of fact, I have to tell this one story. Listen, inadvertently you said it. I was failing. I was. I’m going to call it what it was, but I did it with all the love. I’m so good at inspiring and teaching lessons in it, but I was just doing it at the wrong time. I was doing it when the behavior was bad. According to your book, it’s like giving your child hundred dollar bills to continue that process, and that’s exactly what was happening.

The simple shift that I made was just not giving into the energy. Every time those things happen, I would give a very short thing. I would say we’re going to talk. We’ll talk more about this when you calm down, so I literally just stopped feeding that fire. Then every time I saw him do something good, I would say, “You know what, Simon? I am just astonished the successes that you’re doing here. You are making decisions every day. I’m seeing it of someone who is successful.” He just would light up, and I just kept doing that.

Then here’s an incident that you gave in your book. Some parents out there are going to say, well, wait a minute. It can’t -inaudible- what my kid’s doing and be good to praise him. That’s not true, and you point it out in your book. The ADD child, right, we tell Simon, “Simon, could you take that stuff downstairs?” “Yes. Yes. Yes.” He has all good intentions, but it doesn’t get done.

Then the second time, then the third time, now my wife and I are going, “Didn’t we tell you to get it downstairs?” It’s like, “Yeah!” Then it starts, right? It’s like, oh, my god. It drives me nuts because I am one of the people; I can remember.

Dr. Glasser:
He studied you, Dan.

Dr. Pompa:
Oh, no doubt.

Dr. Glasser:
We advertise what gets our goat.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. Oh, no doubt. Oh, gosh, that’s a whole other subject. I could tell you every way he knows how to turn my buttons on. Anyways, so this time Merily says—that’s my wife. She says, “Simon, take those cars downstairs.” I’m sitting there watching the scenario. This is day one of me reading this book, right? I’m sitting there going—I know he’s not going to remember, right? It’s like, “Okay. Yeah, I will.”

Simon gets up, and I know he was going to the refrigerator. I mean, I knew where he was going, and I knew he was going to forget. He gets up. I said, “Simon, that’s awesome. You listened to mom just like that. Man, that’s success.” What did he do? Of course, instead of heading to the refrigerator, he heads over and takes his cars downstairs. Boom! It was like he had no intentions of doing it, but he was like, okay, I just got praised for that, so of course, I’m going to do that. I’ve repeated that same strategy many times.

Dr. Glasser:
Dr. Pompa, it’s not just praise. What you’re doing is—because I could hear into what you’re saying is you are giving a lecture, but you’re choosing to give the lecture at a moment in time where he could hear it. What you’re tying into by being conscious of the magnetic energy you carry and the real gift you want to do is you’re lighting up his runway of seeing the beauty in him. You’re showing him who he really is. Not who he thought he was. You’re not just praising him, which is good job, or thank you, or way to go, which is empty.

It’s like eating the packaging on foods you buy. It has no nutrition to it. You’re serving up the nutrition of very carefully crafting encouragement and appreciation by saying here’s the incredible choice you just made. You could’ve gone to the refrigerator, but you rerouted to go—I saw you look like you were thinking of going to the refrigerator, but you made a choice to get done what you needed to get done. That shows me your responsibility. It shows me your thoughtfulness. It shows me how much you care about this family and how much you care about our relationship.

What you’re doing is not manipulative. It’s shining a light on the great characteristics, and I could prove this to you. Had he thumbed his nose at you and gone to the refrigerator anyway, how not great would that be? Had he been disrespectful like that, how not great would it be? It could’ve been extremely not great. It could’ve got you really over the ropes. Therefore, how great is it that he didn’t do those not great things? We need to tell our kids about their greatness. We’re so willing to tell them about their non-greatness.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. Yeah. Just looking for those opportunities, it’s easier than people think to give the inspirational when they do the right things.

Dr. Glasser:
It’s like fruit hanging on a tree. It’s staring us in the face. It’s always there, but we didn’t know it was there.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah, absolutely. He went down like—after a couple days of doing this, all of a sudden the shower before bed argument and the brushing your teeth that normally would go down, whether he forgot, whether he didn’t want to do it, it was like—so Merily said, “Did you shower?” He’s like, “I did it. I did it, mom.” “Well, did you brush your teeth?” He said, “No. I did that too.”

I said to her, I was like, “He’s a different kid.” I said, “Who is it? I mean, this kid is making successful choices day in, day out.” She’s like, “Yes,” right?” He just puffed up.

Dr. Glasser:
Dan, it’s almost as if he was always that kid dying to show his stuff. Frankly, he was getting paid more to do the opposite.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. He literally would just—the banter of when he wasn’t doing something, it got to the point where he was no doubt just feeding from it. Very typical, especially of a child like this, that they will just feed from a negative. We just keep feeding that negative, and yet, it’s such small things. In your book, you give so many ways of doing this rightly, meaning that it’s not just good job. It’s not just that shallow praise. You give example after example of how to really inspire someone. Not just good job, but even beyond that, linking it to success, linking it to achievement. Linking it to a person who’s going to change the world, make a difference. He loves that, and he was just sopping it up.

Dr. Glasser:
We love it too. Let me give you a compliment. There are people who could read my book and go, “Aah,” like it not register. What I gather from what you’re saying is you’re a very loving dad who has deeply yearned to have a positive impact on your son, and I want to appreciate—I am going to appreciate you for the kindness, the thoughtfulness, the consideration, and love you’re showing. It reveals to me how much you care and how deeply you care and how meaningful this is to you to have figured out a way to inspire your son. I’m not there where you live. I’m not in your household. It’s you who’s doing it, and it’s your wife who’s doing it. I just want to applaud you for that, and to me, that speaks of the greatness of how deeply you care and how loving you are as a dad.

Dr. Pompa:
Thank you. It means a lot to me. My wife will tell you that the one area I feel like I had been failing was Simon, and it wasn’t intentional. I was just putting the energy into the wrong thing. I mean, it was just feeding a bonfire. When you say, hey, look, there is two fires. Unfortunately, I was just feeding the wrong one. Now I made the shift. I’m feeding the right one. I want you to talk to us some more.

Dr. Glasser:
The nice one is the fire that doesn’t get fed dies on its own.

Dr. Pompa:
No. No, absolutely. Yeah. His love language is affirmation. It is. Maybe that’s one of the reasons it worked so quickly. I mean, honestly, he just blossomed and still is.

Dr. Glasser:
I really get that you’re doing this in a very powerful way. I love that you picked up on the—it’s funny you picked up a book—the book that came your way somehow is a book that’s five or six years old. I happen to be—it happens to be one of the books I speak about at schools, and I really am longing for the moment where we not only have one school like Tolson that has low to no usage of kids on medication, but where there’s whole school districts, there’s whole geographic areas where it can’t be dismissed as some anomaly. I love your introduction. It shows you among many, a growing number of doctors, really know deeply with a knowledge base of how toxic these medications are to the organs of the body, and I look forward to the day when we don’t have kids on medication.

Dr. Pompa:
This is the sickest generation, I believe, in the history of man, honestly, and for multiple reasons. One of which is the over medication from antibiotic use to psychotropic drugs. If we would just be able to educate people on these two things, these two topics, we would save a generation. We really would. You have the answer, I believe, to really help even to communicate with this generation. On this show, we talk a lot about emotional traumas and how that affects the health throughout their life. The traumas that we create in our children unknowingly just by feeding this fire, I mean, honestly, it really is remarkable, which will end up manifesting in physical illness later.

When we look at these people that are very sick later, it’s physical, emotional, and chemical trauma. So many of the emotional traumas were put there by parents with—loving parents, meaning that…

Dr. Glasser:
Loving parents.

Dr. Pompa:
Absolutely, that just simply didn’t understand this simple message. You have a story. You need to tell your story. You were Simon.

Dr. Glasser:
I was Simon, “Simon Says.”

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. You were my son.

Dr. Glasser:
I actually won a “Simon Says.” I was on television once as a kid on some show that had a “Simon Says” program. I won and probably because I was so ADHD.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. Yeah. That’s funny. Tell us your story. I mean, from pain to purpose, man, that’s all…

Dr. Glasser:
My story is similar. My parents weren’t educated as you are, but they were loving parents. I’m sure they wanted me to be—to live the dream and do well. They had their first child, my brother. He’s four years older. He just thrived, was valedictorian of everything he’s ever looked at, and I wasn’t wired that way. Maybe by way of my intensity, my extra added intensity, my life force—which of course, as you know, isn’t a crime.

Dr. Pompa:
No.

Dr. Glasser:
It’s a great thing, but nobody knew how to handle me. When I pushed the limits, instead of people unplugging like you did and saying reset, essentially, to me and then turning back to me and energizing me appreciatively when things are going well, they threw themselves full barrel into haranguing me, reprimanding me. Every punishment anybody knew to mankind at that moment in time, they gave it. That’s what they thought they needed to do. They thought if they lecture me perfectly, or they harangue me, or threaten me, or if they get ever more drastic a punitive, I’ll wake up and smell the coffee.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. Yeah. I’ve done that.

Dr. Glasser:
It made me a devotee of living life through negativity, and I was good at it.

Dr. Pompa:
Simon’s the best.

Dr. Glasser:
I wouldn’t give an inch. I was like Simon. I would not give an inch.

Dr. Pompa:
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. How did you discover this, though? I mean, here you are. I mean, obviously, you didn’t discover it as a child. You discover it as an adult. Tell us that part of the story.

Dr. Glasser:
Oh, goodness. It didn’t really make sense to me. Maybe I’ll back up a little. There were a couple of moments in time where I had experiences that led up to when I came back to the field and I started working with families at the age of 40. In my 30’s, I lived in Boulder for a while, and I had a dear friend. I think we met at the gym or something like that, and we’d go play tennis.

One day he wanted me to meet his family, his 14 age sons. He told me about his—he and his wife were psychotherapists. I get to their home, and they’re talking to their kids. Not in a way I write about in my book but in a very loving way. They go out of their way to tell these kids about the good things they see in them, and it was as if my world just changed in a moment. It was the first time, believe it or not, in those 30 years that I ever saw a family talk purposefully in that manner to their children. I still had no explanation for it. All I could tell you is that I couldn’t stop the flow of tears, and I couldn’t explain why I was so moved.

Fast forward about ten years. I had studied clinical psychology. I had dropped out just before—I was working on my dissertation. I’m going to take a year off. I’m going to live my childhood dream of being a cabinetmaker. One year turned into 15 years, and when I finally came back, instead of working with outpatient schizophrenics, which I did as a young professional, I came back, and I got a job working with families.

I had studied with some incredible people. I knew all the work I needed to know, and I’d come in unknowingly with this open mind. I think the beauty of having been away from the field for 15 years was that I had the ability to tell myself the truth. I wasn’t so overwhelming loyal to method A, B, C, or D that I couldn’t question it. When I’d go in and work with a family and I’d use method A, philosophy, theory, practice A, and I saw it wasn’t working or helping these people, I simply went on to theory, practice, belief B, C, D, E, F, G. I was blowing through these approaches.

Then I’d try and get innovative. I’d try to read more. I’m going to sound like Seinfeld now. I had nothing. It was just me—eventually, it was me and the family. I don’t know if it was—I love to jokingly say this. I don’t know if it was flashbacks from Woodstock, but eventually, when I wasn’t masking everything and I was just purely being with the family, what I began to see was that—it was almost as if I could see the energy. I’d notice there were times when a family would say something to a child where the child would lean in. It was almost like, oh, something beautiful just happened here. The family doesn’t know it, and the child doesn’t know it.

Then there were times where the family would say something that sounded so good on paper. It sounded so kind and loving. All of a sudden, the child would unhinge, and take a step back. Something energetic was going on. I start watching for this, and I’d start trying to explain it. That’s where some of my analogies would come from. I’d wake up in the middle of the night, and I’d go, oh, kids are reading us this way, like the Toys “R” Us analogy or the video game analogy. I would say that as an attempt to explain to a family here’s what I’m getting at. Here’s what I’d like you to try.

I would notice in families, if I said these metaphors well enough, it’s almost like they’d sit up. They’d just go, oh, and they’d turn. They’d go, oh, my god. That makes total sense.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. Let’s use that. Let’s use that video game analogy. That made sense to me as well.

Dr. Glasser:
I’d be happy to tell your listeners the analogy. I’m not a fan of video games. I mean, hopefully, someday there’ll be some excellent ones, but I’ve noticed how kids just get enraptured by these video games. They don’t play to lose, and they don’t just play. They want to go level, level, level of greatness. They want to be the best in the world. These games are compelling to them.

When I started dialing in what is it that video games, what magic, what spell does it have, I started to see that there was a—the games have a way of explaining reality that’s captivating to kids. It has incentives that are clear and predictable in a way that contrasts normal incentives. It has limits and boundaries that make sense to a child in a way that contradicts normal boundaries and limits.

Dr. Pompa:
Right. There’s a reward. There’s instant reward. There’s points. There’s energy given, and there’s instant death, which we want to talk about how that little check in time-out.

Dr. Glasser:
Yeah. I’ll get to that. I’ll be the kid for a second. Here I am playing. I think the structure of these games is compelling to kids. It makes them feel alive. It makes them go, oh, the world makes sense. I’ll be the kid. Here I am playing one of these games, and at the moment, I’m going towards the goals, getting the goals.

While I’m doing that, the game is in my face, confronting me with my success energetically, score, score, score, bells and whistles. Everything’s going great. In the next second, if I cross the line, the game doesn’t go, oh, I’ll look the other way, or oh, let me yell at him. The game just delivers a consequence. It gives me complete freedom to break the rules. We adults look at these rule violations and the consequence, and we go, oh, those are massive, destructive consequences: heads blowing up, bombs bursting, blood spurting. The truth is who’s out of the game for two seconds? The game just unplugs usage for two seconds, and for the child, it feels like an eternity.

When the child comes back in, they’re not just coming back in. They’re coming back evermore motivated to go level, level, level. I’m not going to break that rule again. They come in evermore inspired to be their best. To me, that’s very replicable. It’s transferrable.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. I mean, it brings out the second point, right? Yeah, we want to give our energy to the child who’s doing -inaudible-. We want to not feed that energy. We want to feed the energy here. That’s step one. Step two is there are rules, and that’s what the video game analogy brings up. You have rules. There’s consequences. You have a different approach there, so describe that approach a little more detailed.

Dr. Glasser:
To me, it’s really like unplugging the gift of us. To me, the reason video games work so great is because game in, game on is so powerful that game off, game out is—it doesn’t have to be drastic or punitive. It’s just merely the game. You’re paused. You’re out of the game.

If I’m interacting with a child and the child rolls their eyes, I’ll say reset. I’ll unplug me. I’m not going to lecture them. I’m not going to say anything other than reset. I’m unplugging me for a couple of seconds. I turn back. They’re not rolling their eyes now. They may be thinking about it. They may look upset at me.

I’ll come back, and I’ll say, look, I see you are still upset. That’s okay. You’re not rolling your eyes, and to me, that’s an incredible decision you’re making. It’s great control. It’s great wisdom. It’s great kindness that you are being respectful in that way. You could be rolling your eyes still, and you stopped. That’s what I care about.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. Next time the eye rolling will not be there. Now, talk about time-out. You have a different approach there. Do you know what I’m saying? Sorry about that. My son’s looking for his phone, and it’s going off. I’m sorry about that. It’s sitting on my desk.

You have a different approach with the time-outs. Talk about some of the consequences. You’re talking about unplugging in that very moment. How do you also give a consequence?

Dr. Glasser:
I’d say, for the vast majority of all wrongdoings that we would typically get upset about, I really prefer the consequence of what I’m referring to as a reset. The child doesn’t have to go anywhere; stand in the corner; go to their room; think about it. There’s no explanation. I don’t have to say reset because you’re talking unkindly to your sister. I don’t have to say reset because you didn’t do what I asked you to do. I’m just going to simply minimize it, and I’m going to minimize this energy.

I’m going to minimize—I don’t want to inadvertently give energy to the problem. A kid’s tantruming, I’ll say reset. I’ll turn away. The reset is you lose me. I still love you. I’m still unconditionally loving. It’s just that I am unplugged right now.

I’ll give you a great explanation. There was a family I worked with where they had an 18-month-old. They knew my work because of their 5-year-old, but now they had an 18-month-old who had no words. All he had was a—I’d jokingly say 50 shades of whining. He was world-class whining. He had zero vocabulary. He could whine to the nth degree.

These were very loving parents, spiritually loving parents, intelligent parents. When this kid was upset, he’d go, “Waa.” They would pick him up, and they had a language of their own. They wanted it to stop, and they were asking for my help. I said when he’s not whining, make a big deal. Give him credit for the choice he’s making not to whine. You need a rule. No whining, along with whatever other rules you need.

When he whines, I want you to simply say reset. Turn away. When he’s done whining, even for a second, turn back and congratulate him for the choice he’s making. You’re giving him credit for whining. Give him credit for not whining. This was hard for them because they were so—they cared so deeply about being perceived as loving.

I was in their kitchen. They had this beautiful toaster on the counter, and I said imagine this is the best toaster ever. It intuits when you’re going to wake up. It bakes your bread. It intuits what kind of toast you want that day and how you want it buttered. It makes your coffee. It’s the best toaster ever. When it’s unplugged, it’s still the best toaster ever. It just simply doesn’t work.

You’re the toaster. You just choose to unplug you, and all of a sudden, it made sense to them. I wanted to let them know affirmingly that I know they’re loving. They’re still loving their child when they’re unplugged. They’re simply not giving the loving at that moment, and then the connection resumes. As soon as the whining stops, you plug back in, and say here is what I—just like you did with your son, Simon, and telling him here’s what I’m excited about. I need to tell you.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah, absolutely.

Dr. Glasser:
To me, people shake their heads and go what do you mean? You’re not punishing him. You’re not taking things away. You’re not taking away screen time or yelling at him. Yes, I am saying that. I’m saying you could be infinitely more powerful than yelling, infinitely more powerful than scolding or lecturing by simply not saying anything at the moment of the incident, by simply saying reset. Turn away. Then turn back, and give the best lecture ever about what he’s now doing right. That’s what you wanted in the first place.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. You’re lecturing on what he’s doing right. You’re not lecturing on the wrong. I hope people hear that. It’s an amazing transition of power. It really is.

Dr. Glasser:
It’s a transition of power. You’re right.

Dr. Pompa:
Absolutely. Not only does the other not work—I am a consistent person. I mean, I’ve done all the creative discipline. I’ve done all the lecture. I’ve done all the things that—I mean, a room for this one. I’ve done it all. I can tell you it not only doesn’t work, it makes it worse.

Dr. Glasser:
It makes it worse. Yeah. It’s like a drop of gas on a fire is a drop of gas on fire. Why give a drop? That’s where I’m playing hardball is I’m not going to give the gift of me to that.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. Yeah. Stop lecturing the -inaudible-.

Dr. Glasser:
What I am going to give the gift of me to is the great fire of your greatness. That’s what I’m going to give a lot of gas to.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. Transition the energy to that, the greatness, the success as opposed to the bad behavior.

Dr. Glasser:
It’s a different way of being powerful. As you were saying—I love what you just said. It’s a transition of power. It’s a very different way. We come from a heritage, from ancestry that believes power comes in a certain packaging, and I’m saying power actually really comes in a different manner. Kids don’t have their awakening by way of drastic punitive consequences. Kids awaken to who they really are as great people, and that’s what you find with Simon now. You’re awakening him to his greatness.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. No doubt. It’s worked already, Howard. Thank you. Meredith, I know you have some questions that you have. Meredith doesn’t have children yet, but she sees the problem. Fire away, Meredith.

Dr. Glasser:
Hi, Meredith.

Meredith:
Hi. Hi. Hi. I have just been so enjoying the wealth of information you are, and thanks for sharing everything.

Dr. Glasser:
Thank you.

Meredith:
I’ve just been wondering too from a different perspective. I think you mentioned that a lot of these strategies are applicable to adults as well and to ourselves. How do we translate some of these strategies into our adult relationships and/or to improve our communication skills as well?

Dr. Glasser:
There’s two aspects to that, Meredith. There’s one where we’re interacting with other adults. The very same things that Dr. Pompa and I have talked about really is what I try and hold true to in my interactions with adults. We could lose sight of the fact that it’s just merely—it’s just another form of relationship. Truly, there are people who come along, and we wind up having relationship through negativity. If we want to change that, we have to be very purposeful. We can’t wait for that to happen. We have to go, no, I’m not going to give my energy to that. Here’s what I am going to give my energy to.

I’m not saying we have to necessarily say reset to that other adult, but certainly, I have at times. Saying I’m just going to reset this conversation, and then thank you. Now I want to—and I’m not waiting ten minutes. I’ll come right back, and say thank you for resetting. Here’s what I really think is going to serve us to talk about now, and I want to honor you for being willing to change gears. It’s amazing what we could accomplish by way of shining a light on somebody’s true nature and seeing through to not this surface, but beyond the surface of who they really are. Most people, in fact, probably all people have very loving hearts. They may not operate from that.

In terms of adult relationships, I’d say the greatest frontier is a relationship with ourselves. That’s the book you referred to, You Are Oprah. I’ve since written another one called Igniting Greatness. That came out two years ago. I really write in a focused way about my own journey of using this work on myself. Fifteen years ago I thought I was a very positive person. I’m teaching Nurtured Heart Approach. I am changing the lives of a lot of kids and families.

I had a personal crisis, which just shined a big light on the fact that my default setting really, when push came to shove, was still primarily negative. I could have an hour’s long conversation with myself about how a poor choice, or some fear-based thing, or some other worry, or such thing. It was so evident in that moment that I decided I’m going to change that. I don’t want that default setting. I’m going to change it to a new default setting. I decided I’m not going to give the gift of me to the negativity within me. I’m going to purposefully have those same conversations you had with Simon. Now I’m going to have that same conversation with myself over all the uplifting, and inspiring, and positive qualities I see in myself.

Through that process, ten years hence, I started using the word greatness because I want—me being that push the limits, Simon kind of kid, the Howie, difficult child, I wanted—the upside of that is I wanted to see how far I could go. I started accusing myself of various qualities of greatness. I started energizing that within myself. I started to, I believe, have a very big impact on my own psychic, psychological health and wellbeing in terms of believing in myself and maybe even changing that default setting.

Dr. Pompa:
Our thoughts become who we are. Our thoughts literally change our DNA. Epigenetically, the DNA’s produce different proteins, and after a while, the proteins are who we are -inaudible-. It’s dopamine. It’s serotonin. It’s our flesh. It’s who we become. Literally, with our thoughts, we have the ability to become a new person. By feeding us, our own self, these types of thoughts of greatness, success, you made a choice, a decision to be a different person. You just started downloading that new programming into your self-conscious.

Imagine what we’re doing to our children when we’re telling them. We give them the opportunity to think of themselves as that successful person. Change their DNA. Change their -inaudible-. You can ultimately change who they are.

Dr. Glasser:
There’s one more thing. I can’t wait to hear your medical response to this is when I see negativity coming my way, when I encamp to my own negativity, when I’m conscious enough, I go—I reset myself. When I’m really aware, I like to take the energy. I don’t want to go, oh, yuck. Worry, yuck. Get rid of it or fear or anger. What I do is I embrace it. I lovingly embrace it. I take the energy, and I use it, that very energy, to promote greatness. It feels like I’m doing some alchemy there. I don’t know what you would call it in a medical conversion, but I’m very warrior-like in how I go about this.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. No. It’s transfer of energy. I mean, energy is neither created or destroyed. You’re just transferring the energy. Negative emotions have great energy. Why can’t we take that great—if energy is the key even to heal it, then why couldn’t we take something that has great energy and apply it in a positive way?

Dr. Glasser:
Yeah. Why let it run through our fingers, and throw it away, and go yuck? Why not take it and just convert it?

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. Convert the energy, and say wow. I’m going to utilize that great energy. You know what? It’s like what I’ve had to do with my story, Howie.

Dr. Glasser:
What’s your story?

Dr. Pompa:
I had to tell myself, look, it’s like all of this and how and who. I wouldn’t be able to be who I am if it wasn’t for all of this. That’s a transfer of energy. We can look at these things, and say woe is me, horrific, how bad it was. We were trapped in the court systems for three years, I mean, all of this stuff. Again, it’s massive negative energy that I can create to such positive.

Dr. Glasser:
Exactly.

Dr. Pompa:
It is exactly what I needed for greatness, Howie. It is. There’s no doubt in my mind.

Dr. Glasser:
Yeah. I get that you’re leading a life of greatness. I get that you are helping so many people through the work you’re doing and through your knowledge and what you’re sharing out to your community of likeminded doctors.

Dr. Pompa:
I had a conversation with a gentleman named Gilles LaMarche today. Actually, he interviewed me. He is the Vice President of Life College, and he said something profound. He said, “With every principle is a promise,” so behind every principle, there’s a promise. He said, “Dan, you live a principled life. So did I. That’s why we hang on to every promise that goes with principle.”

You’re a three percenter. You made a choice to be different. You made a choice to not be negative. You made a choice to change the world, and make a difference in children. Now you are. I mean, it sounds trite that we can just make a simple choice, a decision, but that’s what three percenters do. I always say three percenters are the people who change the world, change lives, heal from cancer, the unexplainable. It’s a choice. Be a three percenter. Transfer that energy, man. It’s like I’m a three percenter in parenting now.

Dr. Glasser:
Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

Meredith:
Awesome. I love it. In closing, since we’re at the top of the hour—amazing, that whole conversation was just awesome there too. The three percenters, love it. In closing, Dr. Glasser, if there’s some parents who are listening or watching and are just really struggling with difficult children right now, what would you say to them?

Dr. Glasser:
I would say it’s very simple. There is three stands, if you will, that I believe I’ve been talking about, but I haven’t said it this way. The first stand is I’m not going to give any of me to negativity so absolutely no. I refuse to give connection, relationship energy to negativity. The second stand is I refuse not to give myself fully, appreciatively, resolutely to the qualities I want to recognize in my child. I am going to make it my business to see through like X-ray vision into the beauty of this child, and see appreciatively the qualities that I want to grow, that I want to feed, that I want to nurture. I’m going to see respectfulness. I’m going to see responsibility. I’m going to see the thoughtfulness and consideration, collaboration my child does, and I’m going to honor them with words of appreciation.

The third stand is here is the rules, and here’s the consequences. That’s very simple. That’s what we’ve talked about is, if a line is broken a little bit, I’m not going to give any warnings. I’m not going to give any hoopla. I’m not going to give—I’m just unceremoniously going to say reset. Turn away. I’m going to be in the truth of the moment. If the truth is this child looks like he’s going to yell, and scream, and cuss but he hasn’t, I’m going say—I’m going to marvel at him for choosing not to. Even if he’s this close to doing it, the truth is he didn’t do it. If he in the next second puts his foot on the—toe on the line like in sports, I’m going to say—I’m going to blow the whistle. Say reset.

I’m going to turn me away. As soon as that’s not happening anymore, I’m going to be back in the truth of the moment, and I’m going to say beautiful. That was hard to do. I know you’re mad at me. I know you’re mad at mom. I know you didn’t get what you wanted, but look at you. You’re using your wisdom, your power, your control to make a thoughtful choice, and I appreciate that. It’s not an easy choice, but you’re doing it.

Dr. Pompa:
That’s so simple.

Dr. Glasser:
It’s simple. It’s a different kind of consequence.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah. I agree.

Dr. Glasser:
It’s a very honest consequence. It’s really being in the moment.

Dr. Pompa:
I hope everyone gets your books. I hope they order your books.

Dr. Glasser:
Thank you.

Dr. Pompa:
This is part of how we’re going to change a generation.

Dr. Glasser:
All right, I’m with you. I’ll be a fellow three percenter. I’m in.

Dr. Pompa:
Absolutely. Absolutely.

Dr. Glasser:
I applaud your work. I applaud what you’re doing, and thank you for having me as a guest.

Dr. Pompa:
Thank you so much, Howie.

Dr. Glasser:
Say hi to Simon.

Meredith:
How can our viewers find out more about you, Dr. Howie?

Dr. Glasser:
If you go to childrenssuccessfoundation.com, you’ll see lots of stuff about my work, and resources, and a free eCourse. There’s a book store, and all the books that are relevant are there.

Meredith:
Wonderful.

Dr. Pompa:
Perfect.

Meredith:
Awesome. Thank you, Dr. Pompa. Thank you, Dr. Glasser, for today’s show, super inspiring.

Dr. Glasser:
It’s been a pleasure. Thank you so much. Have a great rest of your day.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah, absolutely.

Meredith:
Thanks everyone. Have a wonderful weekend. Thanks for tuning in. We’ll catch you next week.

Dr. Pompa:
Yeah, absolutely. Bye-bye.